By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me--a prayer to the God of my life. Psalm 43:8At first, they were an intrusion to the already long, sleepless nights. Have we always had so many birds outside our bedroom window? Have they always sung this loud, at all hours of the night? Why haven’t we noticed them before? Could it be we only notice them now, because we can’t sleep? Who knows?
Nights are long when you can’t unplug your brain and your thoughts race wild; exaggerated thoughts of terrible things that could or will happen, thoughts of uncertainty, thoughts of fear and dread for what lies ahead. Your soul is in great turmoil.
The 2 months between suspicion of ALS and the actual diagnosis were some of the most agonizing days and nights of our lives so far, yet in some ways, some of the sweetest. On the afternoon of May 1st, just 3 days before Gene’s 59th birthday, we drove home from our first neurology appointment; I headed to the couch doubled-over with fear and grief. Gene said to me “I don’t think it is as bad as you think!” That night, we both lay in the dark and listened and hoped God would speak to us; all we heard were birds. The birds sang an insistent song. Their songs were unusual; songs we had never heard before. Morning brings no relief, only more fear and dread. Gene says, “We need to make some plans”; even for the optimist, the reality was sinking in.
Days passed by. Don’t answer the phone, don’t go anywhere then we don’t have to explain any of this to anyone. If we don’t tell anyone what is happening, maybe it isn’t real. Waiting is hard, knowing could be harder. Having to talk about it; torture.
The usual peaceful sleep is replaced by a cycle of fitful sleep and waking, bad dreams, thoughts that won’t quit, and more birds.
“Do you hear that one?”
“I’ve never heard it before.”
“What kind of bird do you think it is?”
“I don’t know, but it’s beautiful.” Back to sleep.
“Do you hear that?”
“What is it?”
“A car alarm, I think.”
“No listen, it sounds like a man’s taunting voice.”
“No, it’s not.”
“What is it then?”
“I think it’s a mocking bird.”
Days are filled with the ordinary tasks of home life. Feelings alternate between moments of sheer fear and rock solid faith. As moments of fear and panic try to push to the surface, we must fight to fill our minds with what is true… If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31; For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39
We want to be real with you in this post. In this short space that we have to share our heart with you, we lack the words and the wisdom to explain the depth and the mystery of God’s ways. We would be lying to you if we said that this has been an easy time for us, but we can tell you that we do not spend our energy asking God the “why” question. We can also tell you that we believe to the depths of our core that God is good, and what He does is good. Having walked through pain and suffering before, we have learned a few valuable things. We have learned that when the taunting voice of the “mocking bird” accuses and suggests, we need to preach to our soul what is true. We believe this is the primary way we have coped. This is not the same thing as positive thinking or stiff upper lip or keeping a good attitude. Faith is not a feeling you muster up. Faith is a fight and faith is increased by feeding on the truth of God’s word.
Even at night, no especially at night, the birds sing a beautiful song. Hear their song and receive it as a gift, not an intrusion. It is designed by God, for the purpose of ministering His grace and mercy to you, drawing you closer to Him in order that you might treasure Him and desire Him above all earthly treasures.
Bad things, hard things happen to all of us. God will allow the night to come to our lives, but there is a song in the night; if only we will listen. And when the morning arrives, His compassions will be waiting for you.
Nights are long when you can’t unplug your brain and your thoughts race wild; exaggerated thoughts of terrible things that could or will happen, thoughts of uncertainty, thoughts of fear and dread for what lies ahead. Your soul is in great turmoil.
The 2 months between suspicion of ALS and the actual diagnosis were some of the most agonizing days and nights of our lives so far, yet in some ways, some of the sweetest. On the afternoon of May 1st, just 3 days before Gene’s 59th birthday, we drove home from our first neurology appointment; I headed to the couch doubled-over with fear and grief. Gene said to me “I don’t think it is as bad as you think!” That night, we both lay in the dark and listened and hoped God would speak to us; all we heard were birds. The birds sang an insistent song. Their songs were unusual; songs we had never heard before. Morning brings no relief, only more fear and dread. Gene says, “We need to make some plans”; even for the optimist, the reality was sinking in.
Days passed by. Don’t answer the phone, don’t go anywhere then we don’t have to explain any of this to anyone. If we don’t tell anyone what is happening, maybe it isn’t real. Waiting is hard, knowing could be harder. Having to talk about it; torture.
The usual peaceful sleep is replaced by a cycle of fitful sleep and waking, bad dreams, thoughts that won’t quit, and more birds.
“Do you hear that one?”
“I’ve never heard it before.”
“What kind of bird do you think it is?”
“I don’t know, but it’s beautiful.” Back to sleep.
“Do you hear that?”
“What is it?”
“A car alarm, I think.”
“No listen, it sounds like a man’s taunting voice.”
“No, it’s not.”
“What is it then?”
“I think it’s a mocking bird.”
Days are filled with the ordinary tasks of home life. Feelings alternate between moments of sheer fear and rock solid faith. As moments of fear and panic try to push to the surface, we must fight to fill our minds with what is true… If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31; For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39
We want to be real with you in this post. In this short space that we have to share our heart with you, we lack the words and the wisdom to explain the depth and the mystery of God’s ways. We would be lying to you if we said that this has been an easy time for us, but we can tell you that we do not spend our energy asking God the “why” question. We can also tell you that we believe to the depths of our core that God is good, and what He does is good. Having walked through pain and suffering before, we have learned a few valuable things. We have learned that when the taunting voice of the “mocking bird” accuses and suggests, we need to preach to our soul what is true. We believe this is the primary way we have coped. This is not the same thing as positive thinking or stiff upper lip or keeping a good attitude. Faith is not a feeling you muster up. Faith is a fight and faith is increased by feeding on the truth of God’s word.
Even at night, no especially at night, the birds sing a beautiful song. Hear their song and receive it as a gift, not an intrusion. It is designed by God, for the purpose of ministering His grace and mercy to you, drawing you closer to Him in order that you might treasure Him and desire Him above all earthly treasures.
Bad things, hard things happen to all of us. God will allow the night to come to our lives, but there is a song in the night; if only we will listen. And when the morning arrives, His compassions will be waiting for you.
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them , and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
Lamentations 3:19-26
Until next time we are...
Singing in the night,
Gene and Michele
2 comments:
We are so blessed to have a God who loves us and is with us even in our darkest hours.
Psalm 139:7-12 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,But the night shines as the day;The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
I will continue to pray for you, God bless you both.
Thanks Michele and Gean. This is beautiful. Full of the Holy Spirit. I too have noticed the birds this summer. The LORD whispers to me that He knows us and cares for us "much more than these". Love, Lynn
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