THE THREE THINGS

Thomas Oliver McCain

July 18, 1979-November 19, 1998

Time flies. Even though it has been ten whole years, I can remember everything about that day, right down to the smallest of details. I remember what the weather was like, I know what I wore, what I ate, what I did, who I talked to, I even remember the music that was on the radio, and I can still remember every word of the phone call that brought the news about Tommy’s accident; I remember everything. It is hard to believe that it has been ten years today. Ten years is a long time, but November 19, 1998 seems like it was yesterday.

Today our family marks 10 years since our son Tommy was killed in a terrible accident. I have often wondered how we might commemorate the 10th anniversary of Tommy’s death. I thought that, somehow, today should be made special; after all it has been one decade. We still miss Tommy incredibly. So many things have changed in 10 years. Never could I have imagined that Gene would have ALS, or that I would be writing a blog entry to honor Tommy; instead of making the day special.

I’m not sure if it is true, but it is said that losing a child is one of the most painful experiences a person can have. I do know, however, that after a few agonizing weeks of paralyzing grief, I knew that Tommy would be the last person who would want me so emotionally crippled with sorrow. After all, I still had a family to care for and responsibilities to take care of; life has a way of marching on, no matter how bad you hurt. I knew that Tommy would want me to have an outlook from God’s perspective of eternity, and so I imagined what Tommy might say to me if he could come back from heaven just long enough to encourage my grieving heart. Three things immediately came to my mind in vivid detail. In the 10 years since Tommy’s death, I have not forgotten the three things. They have been a catalyst in helping me to be able to continue on in life without caving in completely, and they have helped me through many far less challenging times since then. Now in the face of the darkest of all trials, Tommy’s words once more are reminding me to maintain a perspective that looks at our situation, not with eyes of flesh, but from the edge of eternity. And so today November 19, 2008, in Tommy’s honor and in his precious memory, I would like to share the “three things” with all of you.

In my mind, I could clearly picture Tommy coming to me and giving me a great big hug and saying, “Mom don’t be sad, it’s all going to be okay; you will like the end of the story”. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 is probably the most loved promise in the entire Bible. It reminds me that God’s ways are very different than mine. In the book of Genesis, Joseph’s brothers hated him so much they made a plan to sell him into slavery. When Joseph is finally reunited with his brothers and they cry to him for forgiveness, Joseph tells them, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done”…Genesis 50:20. The brothers may have thought they were in charge of their plan to get rid of their brother, but God intended to work out His own plan. God always has a plan and His plans are always good and loving. The LORD foils the plans of the nations; He thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations. Psalm 33:10,11

The second thing I imagined that Tommy would have said to me was, “Mom, life on this earth is very brief, make the most of every opportunity God gives.” Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Ephesians 5:16 17 If I live with my eyes fixed only on this life and the cares and circumstances that I see, I will miss seeing them from God’s perspective. God gives to each of us opportunities to bring Him honor. The deep lessons of suffering and pain are learned only in this life and are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory (2 Corinthians 4:17). Even suffering and affliction are opportunities to bless God, bless others, and to do good. May I not be so consumed with my own pain that I miss seeing the pain in the lives of others.

The third thing I imagined Tommy saying to me was, “Mom, heaven is beyond anything you could ever imagine!” I can’t begin to imagine what the glories of heaven will be like; we will never exhaust the wonders of heaven, or grow tired of being there. Heaven will be a place of reuniting with Tommy and others that I love, but what will make heaven be greater than anything I could ever imagine is, God Himself; God dwells there. Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:3-4

Second only to God and His word, Tommy has taught me more about living with an eternal perspective than anyone else; looking at life from the perspective of God’s incomprehensible plan, instead of through my own finite and simple mind.

In the back of Tommy’s Bible is a poem that he wrote toward the end of his brief life. Though his theology is not perfect, Tommy had a grasp on eternity that far exceeded his 19 years.

MY FATHER

He is grace full

He is loving no matter what I do

He has great mercy I cannot explain

His way is righteousness, truth, and forgiveness

He lives forever

My Father loves me so much that He died on the cross to pay for my soul.

My Father loves me and you

Please do not forget or you might miss Him

He is coming real soon.

Yes, Tommy, He is grace full; full of grace and truth. Thank you, Tommy, for helping us to see with an eternal perspective the grace that is so freely available to all of us. That is something we would like to share about next time.

Until then...

Thinking of Tommy,

Gene and Michele

A VOICE IN SUFFERING...

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. Hebrews 11:1,2

It is a fearful privilege knowing that people actually read our blog and are even asking others to read it, as well. Though it is an honor that you would care to be part of our journey, it also feels like a tremendous responsibility to us, and we do not it take lightly. We want the things we write about here to make a meaningful difference in the lives of those that check to see what is happening to us. We want the words we say to be thought provoking, not unhelpful or hurtful; certainly not tinged by an attitude of hypocrisy or self-righteousness. There is a weight of seriousness upon our life right now. It seems as though we have been granted a unique opportunity to be a voice in the lives of others in the midst of our suffering. Though there is a great inadequacy within us, we want to express the thoughts and intents of our heart. And so today, we will make our attempt to be as authentic and as transparent as we know how to be. We would like to share with you some of our low points; the not so good thoughts and feelings we have had up until now.

We have been under some intense and stressful circumstances lately. I have to admit that this whole ALS thing has been a lot harder than I ever could have imagined. Right from the beginning, I had read about the progression of the disease and what was to be expected along the way. Intellectually, I knew what was going to slowly happen, but actually living through it has been completely different. Now that it is happening, and not so slowly I might add, it is like trying to stay ahead of an enormous tsunami—it’s just too big to keep out in front of without being overwhelmed by its powerful force. Gene’s condition continues to deteriorate. At this time, Gene is confined to his wheelchair, his recliner, or his bed. He can do very little to care for himself. The lack of mobility is very hard on his body, and he is uncomfortable often. Everyday his weakness is more pronounced, including his diaphragm.

These past few weeks have been hard for us. We have never been under as much stress as we are right now; far beyond my own ability to endure. With frayed emotions, I have been surprised by my own inability at times to cope with the challenges and to hold it together. Nothing about any of this has gone smoothly or easily; everything has had a struggle attached to it. There have been difficult obstacles and challenges to face every day; some seem insurmountable. Emotional fatigue has worn heavily on my ability to tolerate frustrating situations. I get so frustrated and angry with some of the agencies that we deal with when things don’t go right, which is often. I lose my patience easily when a piece of equipment doesn’t work the way it is supposed to; nearly, every day. I want to scream when someone parks in the handicap space, but they have no handicap sticker displayed on their car and there is nowhere else for us to park. I feel so frustrated when I am not physically strong enough to help Gene do something he wants or needs to do. I am completely overwhelmed at times when we have so much that needs to get done in a day’s time, and I can’t possibly get it all done. I feel extreme sadness when I know how hard it is for Gene to sit passively by, unable to help or participate in his own care. I feel resentful and my heart is grieved because we can’t do the things we used to do together. I feel angry that ALS is robbing me of my husband.

We have also had a number of disappointments that have put me over the edge and have left us feeling sad and discouraged. The relentlessness of Gene’s ALS and the demands of the situation have broken me. I admit ALS has brought out the very worst in me. I am ashamed sometimes at my reactions, and I have been surprised by the darkness of my feelings.

I can only risk sharing with you my true feelings of frustration, resentments, and the depths of pain and despair because I don’t believe I am unique. Everyone, at some point, has come up to the edge where it feels like we cannot take it any more. Whether we are willing to admit it out loud, or we keep our feelings deep inside, God is fully aware of the true condition in our hearts. We cannot fool Him.

Sometimes when we are experiencing the deep depths of pain, we find it challenging to navigate through the darkness. Though we see through a glass darkly, we can hear from the voices of those that have suffered before us. God has provided in His word the voices of many that have suffered far deeper despair than I have. Though I am very encouraged by a number of others, I have rekindled a friendship and have found a suffering companion in the Book of JOB. In his deep suffering Job has given voice to my suffering.

All that Job possessed on this earth was suddenly taken away from him, including his beloved children. But, if that were not enough Job is tested again to the limits of his human capacity when he is once more struck; this time in his own body. Job becomes covered in painful sores from the top of his head to the soles of his feet; it is more than he can take. In all of Job’s losses he did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. But, what I appreciate most about Job is his honestly in sharing his feelings of hopelessness. Surrounded by the darkness of his desperate situation, Job plummets into a pit of despair. Blinded by the immensity of his pain Job cries out, “If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales!” Job 6:1.

After Job’s long and painful discourse, God finally answers Job out of the storm. Though God never gives Job an explanation to his very painful circumstances, Job confesses he spoke of things too great for him to understand and things too wonderful for him to know. Even before Job’s life is ever restored to “normal”, he is able to persevere in suffering “because he saw him who is invisible” Hebrews 11:27.

The strain and the stress of a protracted trial can cause us to lose sight of our vision of the invisible. Though God seems to hide Himself at times and our circumstances do not change, our hope is restored when we are able to see Him who is invisible.

Gaining an eternal perspective in the midst of deep pain is something we would like to share with you about the next time. But, until next time I will gain my footing again; God is faithful. We are fixing our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18 …This is what the ancients were commended for. Hebrews 11:2

Until then,
Gene and Michele

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:11