Thursday, December 11, 2008
How is Gene?
Monday, December 8, 2008
UPDATE...
Hi Everyone,
We are taking a break from our usual format of blogging because we want to post a quick update and to let all of you know what is happening in our lives. The past few weeks have been very busy and challenging for us. Gene's breathing capacity has diminished significantly and to make a long story short, we have decided to have a tracheotomy. We have chosen a surgeon and the surgery is scheduled for tomorrow, December 9th. The trache will allow Gene to be completely supported by the ventilator; he will no longer have to labor for each breath. This will be a good thing, because Gene expends a great amount of energy with every breath, even though he is using non-invasive ventilation 24/7. He will be in the hospital for a few days so that he can be observed and so that I can learn how to care for his trache and vent. We will also be lining up nursing care that will begin helping us in our home. Please pray for us; pray especially that Gene recovers quickly and that he will be protected from infection. Pray that we learn to adjust to this big change in our lives. Gene and I strongly believe in the sovereignty and providence of a loving God and we rejoice in Him, even in the midst of our affliction.
On another note, Gene has been seeing a physical therapist that comes to our home and works with Gene. This has been very beneficial and is helping Gene to maintain what strength he has and to actually see some improvement in the muscles that still function.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
THE THREE THINGS
Time flies. Even though it has been ten whole years, I can remember everything about that day, right down to the smallest of details. I remember what the weather was like, I know what I wore, what I ate, what I did, who I talked to, I even remember the music that was on the radio, and I can still remember every word of the phone call that brought the news about Tommy’s accident; I remember everything. It is hard to believe that it has been ten years today. Ten years is a long time, but November 19, 1998 seems like it was yesterday.
Today our family marks 10 years since our son Tommy was killed in a terrible accident. I have often wondered how we might commemorate the 10th anniversary of Tommy’s death. I thought that, somehow, today should be made special; after all it has been one decade. We still miss Tommy incredibly. So many things have changed in 10 years. Never could I have imagined that Gene would have ALS, or that I would be writing a blog entry to honor Tommy; instead of making the day special.
I’m not sure if it is true, but it is said that losing a child is one of the most painful experiences a person can have. I do know, however, that after a few agonizing weeks of paralyzing grief, I knew that Tommy would be the last person who would want me so emotionally crippled with sorrow. After all, I still had a family to care for and responsibilities to take care of; life has a way of marching on, no matter how bad you hurt. I knew that Tommy would want me to have an outlook from God’s perspective of eternity, and so I imagined what Tommy might say to me if he could come back from heaven just long enough to encourage my grieving heart. Three things immediately came to my mind in vivid detail. In the 10 years since Tommy’s death, I have not forgotten the three things. They have been a catalyst in helping me to be able to continue on in life without caving in completely, and they have helped me through many far less challenging times since then. Now in the face of the darkest of all trials, Tommy’s words once more are reminding me to maintain a perspective that looks at our situation, not with eyes of flesh, but from the edge of eternity. And so today November 19, 2008, in Tommy’s honor and in his precious memory, I would like to share the “three things” with all of you.
In my mind, I could clearly picture Tommy coming to me and giving me a great big hug and saying, “Mom don’t be sad, it’s all going to be okay; you will like the end of the story”. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 is probably the most loved promise in the entire Bible. It reminds me that God’s ways are very different than mine. In the book of Genesis, Joseph’s brothers hated him so much they made a plan to sell him into slavery. When Joseph is finally reunited with his brothers and they cry to him for forgiveness, Joseph tells them, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done”…Genesis 50:20. The brothers may have thought they were in charge of their plan to get rid of their brother, but God intended to work out His own plan. God always has a plan and His plans are always good and loving. The LORD foils the plans of the nations; He thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations. Psalm 33:10,11
The second thing I imagined that Tommy would have said to me was, “Mom, life on this earth is very brief, make the most of every opportunity God gives.” Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Ephesians 5:16 17 If I live with my eyes fixed only on this life and the cares and circumstances that I see, I will miss seeing them from God’s perspective. God gives to each of us opportunities to bring Him honor. The deep lessons of suffering and pain are learned only in this life and are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory (2 Corinthians 4:17). Even suffering and affliction are opportunities to bless God, bless others, and to do good. May I not be so consumed with my own pain that I miss seeing the pain in the lives of others.
The third thing I imagined Tommy saying to me was, “Mom, heaven is beyond anything you could ever imagine!” I can’t begin to imagine what the glories of heaven will be like; we will never exhaust the wonders of heaven, or grow tired of being there. Heaven will be a place of reuniting with Tommy and others that I love, but what will make heaven be greater than anything I could ever imagine is, God Himself; God dwells there. Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:3-4
Second only to God and His word, Tommy has taught me more about living with an eternal perspective than anyone else; looking at life from the perspective of God’s incomprehensible plan, instead of through my own finite and simple mind.
In the back of Tommy’s Bible is a poem that he wrote toward the end of his brief life. Though his theology is not perfect, Tommy had a grasp on eternity that far exceeded his 19 years.
Thinking of Tommy,
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
A VOICE IN SUFFERING...
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. Hebrews 11:1,2It is a fearful privilege knowing that people actually read our blog and are even asking others to read it, as well. Though it is an honor that you would care to be part of our journey, it also feels like a tremendous responsibility to us, and we do not it take lightly. We want the things we write about here to make a meaningful difference in the lives of those that check to see what is happening to us. We want the words we say to be thought provoking, not unhelpful or hurtful; certainly not tinged by an attitude of hypocrisy or self-righteousness. There is a weight of seriousness upon our life right now. It seems as though we have been granted a unique opportunity to be a voice in the lives of others in the midst of our suffering. Though there is a great inadequacy within us, we want to express the thoughts and intents of our heart. And so today, we will make our attempt to be as authentic and as transparent as we know how to be. We would like to share with you some of our low points; the not so good thoughts and feelings we have had up until now.
We have been under some intense and stressful circumstances lately. I have to admit that this whole ALS thing has been a lot harder than I ever could have imagined. Right from the beginning, I had read about the progression of the disease and what was to be expected along the way. Intellectually, I knew what was going to slowly happen, but actually living through it has been completely different. Now that it is happening, and not so slowly I might add, it is like trying to stay ahead of an enormous tsunami—it’s just too big to keep out in front of without being overwhelmed by its powerful force. Gene’s condition continues to deteriorate. At this time, Gene is confined to his wheelchair, his recliner, or his bed. He can do very little to care for himself. The lack of mobility is very hard on his body, and he is uncomfortable often. Everyday his weakness is more pronounced, including his diaphragm.
These past few weeks have been hard for us. We have never been under as much stress as we are right now; far beyond my own ability to endure. With frayed emotions, I have been surprised by my own inability at times to cope with the challenges and to hold it together. Nothing about any of this has gone smoothly or easily; everything has had a struggle attached to it. There have been difficult obstacles and challenges to face every day; some seem insurmountable. Emotional fatigue has worn heavily on my ability to tolerate frustrating situations. I get so frustrated and angry with some of the agencies that we deal with when things don’t go right, which is often. I lose my patience easily when a piece of equipment doesn’t work the way it is supposed to; nearly, every day. I want to scream when someone parks in the handicap space, but they have no handicap sticker displayed on their car and there is nowhere else for us to park. I feel so frustrated when I am not physically strong enough to help Gene do something he wants or needs to do. I am completely overwhelmed at times when we have so much that needs to get done in a day’s time, and I can’t possibly get it all done. I feel extreme sadness when I know how hard it is for Gene to sit passively by, unable to help or participate in his own care. I feel resentful and my heart is grieved because we can’t do the things we used to do together. I feel angry that ALS is robbing me of my husband.
We have also had a number of disappointments that have put me over the edge and have left us feeling sad and discouraged. The relentlessness of Gene’s ALS and the demands of the situation have broken me. I admit ALS has brought out the very worst in me. I am ashamed sometimes at my reactions, and I have been surprised by the darkness of my feelings.
I can only risk sharing with you my true feelings of frustration, resentments, and the depths of pain and despair because I don’t believe I am unique. Everyone, at some point, has come up to the edge where it feels like we cannot take it any more. Whether we are willing to admit it out loud, or we keep our feelings deep inside, God is fully aware of the true condition in our hearts. We cannot fool Him.
Sometimes when we are experiencing the deep depths of pain, we find it challenging to navigate through the darkness. Though we see through a glass darkly, we can hear from the voices of those that have suffered before us. God has provided in His word the voices of many that have suffered far deeper despair than I have. Though I am very encouraged by a number of others, I have rekindled a friendship and have found a suffering companion in the Book of JOB. In his deep suffering Job has given voice to my suffering.
All that Job possessed on this earth was suddenly taken away from him, including his beloved children. But, if that were not enough Job is tested again to the limits of his human capacity when he is once more struck; this time in his own body. Job becomes covered in painful sores from the top of his head to the soles of his feet; it is more than he can take. In all of Job’s losses he did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. But, what I appreciate most about Job is his honestly in sharing his feelings of hopelessness. Surrounded by the darkness of his desperate situation, Job plummets into a pit of despair. Blinded by the immensity of his pain Job cries out, “If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales!” Job 6:1.
After Job’s long and painful discourse, God finally answers Job out of the storm. Though God never gives Job an explanation to his very painful circumstances, Job confesses he spoke of things too great for him to understand and things too wonderful for him to know. Even before Job’s life is ever restored to “normal”, he is able to persevere in suffering “because he saw him who is invisible” Hebrews 11:27.
The strain and the stress of a protracted trial can cause us to lose sight of our vision of the invisible. Though God seems to hide Himself at times and our circumstances do not change, our hope is restored when we are able to see Him who is invisible.
Gaining an eternal perspective in the midst of deep pain is something we would like to share with you about the next time. But, until next time I will gain my footing again; God is faithful. We are fixing our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18 …This is what the ancients were commended for. Hebrews 11:2
Until then,
Gene and Michele
Monday, October 20, 2008
A 'Dream' Come True!
"What's for lunch?"
Thank you to everyone that made GENE'S DREAM TEAM a ‘Dream’ come true! Sunday, October 19th was a beautiful day at the De Anza Cove in San Diego! It was a beautiful day because 51 of our family and friends came to support Gene and participate with us in the 7th annual Walk to Defeat ALS. There were many others that were not able to be there, but also showed their support with kind well wishes and their generous donations on behalf of Gene's Dream Team; we thank them as well! I don't know what the final dollar figure for our team is, but it cannot compare to the great reward of knowing that we are loved and cared for by such wonderful people. Words of gratitude are insufficient to say thank you to everyone that participated!
How wonderful it was to spend time together with good friends and our dear family and to see those friends and family that we do not get to see on a regular basis. We are especially thankful to our wonderful kids who helped us with all the little details and practicalities; they have been a great source of encouragement to us every step of the way. Even our 15 month old grandson Oliver got into the act! He enjoyed riding with grandpa on his wheelchair and afterward sitting on any empty beach chair that he could find!
Gene was also unexpectedly interviewed by CBS affiliate KFMB TV News 8. Unfortunately, we did not see it aired, but we have heard that it was on the 6:30 PM broadcast. We are working on receiving a copy of it and if there is anyway that we can put a link to it, we will do so. I was so proud of Gene as he spoke quite eloquently words from his heart about the disease of ALS, his friends and family that were there, his sense of being part of something much bigger than himself, and his gratefulness to his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
All together, there were about 2000 people that participated in yesterday’s Walk to Defeat ALS. During the walk it was such an encouragement to see all the various walk teams supporting their own friends and family that are afflicted with ALS. Many people with ALS were able to participate with their teams using their wheelchairs, scooters and walkers; it was sad and encouraging at the same time to see others in various stages of the disease. There were, also, those that were walking in memory of a loved one that had ALS and have since died.
It is hard to imagine that only 9 months ago ALS was not something we ever gave thought to, because we did not know anything about it; now it has changed our whole world. ALS has brought out the best and the worst in us; that is something we would like to share about with you next time. Not only that, ALS has given us the opportunity to be reminded how very important it is to be connected to a community of family and friends, sharing our lives together and caring for one another.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
THE POWER OF GOD AND THE PURPOSE OF PAIN
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.Suffering is universal. Suffering happens to young and old, rich or poor, atheist and God-fearing alike. Suffering is no respecter of persons, power, privilege, or position—it will visit everyone at some point, no matter who you are. No one needs to be convinced that there is a great deal of pain and horrible suffering in this world. If God is supposed to be a God of love, why would He allow people to experience so much pain and suffering? Why does He allow famines, floods, fires, earthquakes, and horrific accidents? Why would He allow us to suffer terrible diseases? If God is so powerful, why does he not just eliminate suffering all together? Does He lack the power or the compassion to overcome pain, suffering, and all the evils of this life? These are not new questions and there are no simple or easy answers.
Throughout time and history philosophers, theologians, and other great minds have sought to give their explanations. Gene and I are certainly no experts in the fields of philosophy or theology and we don’t pretend to be great thinkers. The only thing that qualifies us to speak on this subject is that we have suffered somewhat in our lives and we have looked to God’s Word for answers. We understand that there are many of you that read our blog who may not embrace what we believe, but we welcome you here anyway. We, also, know that some of you are experiencing very painful times in your lives. We are very aware that you hurt, and we would very much like to share with you what has allowed us to keep going and not just to keep going, but to have joy in our hearts despite the suffering that ALS is causing us.
Losing a precious son in a terrible accident 10 years ago has been a training ground for our suffering. We never imagined that we would ever be faced with anything more painful than the death of a child, but here we are! Our deepest desire is that we might offer to you a door of hope and maybe give you something of eternal significance that will make a difference in your life.
When suffering comes to us, it is very easy for us to believe that God does not love us, or that He does not care about us. It is normal to wonder if He is even able to prevent our suffering; is He really in control. But, the truth is, if God were not able to prevent the suffering that has befallen us, then He would not be a God who is very powerful, He would not be a God that is trustworthy. Whatever suffering that has happened to us, would have been more powerful than God himself.
But, God is in control over His creation and He is completely trustworthy. He is in control of our lives, right down to the smallest of details; right down to you and your life, to your pain and your suffering. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-30. This truth gives Gene and me a great deal of comfort and hope. If our pain and suffering have no purpose, then our existence in this life is pointless. But He does see us, He knows us, and He is caring for us.
So then, why suffering? Why did God choose suffering to fulfill His plan? The Bible is a thick book, and it gives many reasons and purposes why God allows suffering, pain and calamities. In our search to find God’s answer to this question, we believe that there is one explanation that stands forth as the most important reason and that is, that we would learn to place our hope, not in this temporary life, but in the great value and worth of Jesus Christ.
There are matters of eternal significance that God desires to reveal to us, but often we are too busy being busy with our own lives that we do not hear Him. In his book, “The Problem of Pain”, C.S. Lewis said that "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." We love this life; we love our comforts, our toys, our hobbies, our jobs, our routines, our own stuff, our own self. But, this life is but a brief moment; we are like the grass that withers in the heat of the day and then we are gone. A little disease like ALS will remind you that this is true. We, sometimes, act like this life is all there is; that we will be here forever. There are some things that are much too important to be whispered and God must use a trumpet blast to get our attention. He wants for us to lighten our grip on this life that is only a momentary existence, and to value Him as our highest treasure. He wants us to understand that His loving-kindness is better than life itself.
Even the apostle Paul experienced the shout of God in 1 Corinthians 1:8-9 when Paul said, “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.”
God’s value of suffering is much different than ours. For the display of His own great glory, God the Father did not even spare the suffering of His own Son so that we might know His love and salvation that far outweighs any momentary discomfort we experience in this life—What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:31-32
If and when you experience great and painful suffering, Gene and I would like to be a voice that says to you, “God is for you and not against you. He has designed your suffering, because He loves you, to help you release your grip on the temporary hopes of this life so that you might, instead, rejoice in the hope of the glory of God, through Jesus Christ”.
Until next time…
…we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
Romans 5:1-5
To the praise of His glorious grace,
Gene and Michele
Sunday, September 14, 2008
HURRICANES, RUNAWAY TRAINS, AND LIFE
We are not the only ones that have had a difficult week. These past several days have been hard for a lot of people. We, as a nation, commemorated the 7th year since 9/11; parts of our country experienced a severe weather storm, known as Hurricane Ike; and on Friday, a devastating train wreck in Los Angeles claimed 25 lives, injuring many others and changed the lives of all those that traveled on the Metrolink that day. Perhaps you know someone that has been affected by one of these tragic events; maybe they have affected you.
Surely, there are untold numbers of personal events that have challenged all of you this week, as well. Life, itself, is a hard journey for most of us—sometimes it feels a bit like a hurricane or a runaway train. The storms of our lives often gather strength and increase in size; they seem to wreck havoc, as they form their destructive path. This is what ALS feels like; it picks up speed and size, and grows until it is a category 5 hurricane. ALS destroys your body, but it doesn’t have to destroy your soul.
Thankfully, the loss of life caused by Hurricane Ike’s fury will certainly be much less than it might have been because most in her path heeded the warnings to move to safer surroundings. Sadly, there are those that chose to stay with their homes and paid the price with their lives. Jesus tells us of a similar storm: “Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27
As destructive as Hurricane Ike was, those that listened to the warnings were able to get to safe shelter while the weather was still calm. The Metrolink crash was another matter. I suspect that those boarding the train that day could not have imagined what was about to happen to them; there was no time for them to prepare.
ALS is not the first hurricane that we have experienced in our lives, but it seems to have the potential to be the largest and the most destructive so far. Gene fell this morning; fortunately our son was here and could pick him up, because I could not. Gene is, also, having a hard time dressing himself, and he needs my help getting comfortable in bed. But, the most serious challenge this week has been Gene’s struggle to catch his breath; his diaphragm and chest muscles are weakening. He is now using a BiPap ventilator machine at night; tomorrow we will receive a machine called a “sip and puff” ventilator; it will assist him in the daytime when he is short of breath, and another machine called a “cough assist” because Gene has lost the ability to cough; making cold and flu season dangerous for him. We have his special wheelchair ordered; hopefully it will be here within 2 weeks.
Fortunately, God has used our previous storms to prepare us for this current one. We have built the foundation of our lives upon the strong Rock of Christ Jesus, and He has given us the ability to endure this very strong storm. We do not mean that any of this is easy and even though we are “hard pressed on every side, [we are] not crushed; perplexed, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed” (1 Corinthians 4:8) we know that God reigns, that He is all good, that He is trustworthy, that He is all wise, and that He is all loving.
About this time some may ask, “Why would a God who is supposed to be all loving allow deadly hurricanes, train wrecks, and dreadful diseases such as ALS anyway?” That is a hard question and one we have all asked. We would like to share our thoughts with you on this subject next time.





